After my last post

http://curtaincall.blog.co.uk/2008/10/31/the-roar-of-the-greasepaint-the-smell-of-the-crowd-4962235

one or two of you (I can't remember which) asked to see the words of the monologue.

31 verses of 5 lines is a bit long so here's just a few starting at VERSE 5

Don't forget the words MUST be spoken slowly and deliberately in the style of Pam Ayres.

..... Anyway to cut a long story short,
A young lady asked me on court.
Now she shall be nameless.
She was certainly shameless.
Or leastways that's what I thought.

So feeling a bit of a twit,
I walked on the court with me kit.
Now me being new,
I said, "What should I do?"
She said, "Put it up the front for a bit."

Then she came straight across with a smile,
And said, "Shall we knock up for a while?"
I said, "I like your chat,
If I'd have said that,
Most girls I know'd run a mile!"

She said, "Have you got a good ball?"
Rubbing her hand on the wall.
I said, "I've got two,
But what's it to you?"
I didn't like this bit at all!.

So I hit one for all I was worth,
And she laughed. I said, "What's all this mirth?"
She said, "You've got a Red Spot." (beginners ball)
I said, "No I have not!
It's a mole and I've had it since birth."

.... and so it goes on